12. Ten questions to help discover your values

Values are what you honor and respect the most, in yourself and in others. Examples of values include being generous, being a great storyteller, being in touch with spirituality, etc. Values are our invisible guiding force of what really matters to us, what’s really important; they allow us to persevere through adversity. How?

Because life can be quite painful at times, it is really important — perhaps even life saving — to have an answer to this question: 1) “What is worth enduring this pain?”

The more consistent our actions are with our value system, the greater our sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. When we lose sight of our values, we can feel disillusioned about our meaning and purpose in life. Do you know what your values are? See if you can answer another question: 2) What qualities can’t you live without both in yourself and others? Or put another way, what are you willing to give up, and what is non-negotiable in your life?

If these questions are too difficult to answer straight away, you may need help discovering your values. To do this, record your reflections to each of the six questions below. These questions will help you to get to know yourself better and will aid the process of individuation or ego development that we must all go through.

3) Think back to moments in life where you felt either extremely happy or extremely unhappy. What were you doing, where were you, who was with you, etc?

4) What traits do you like and dislike in other people?

5) What are some qualities of your role models and also your rivals? What do you like and dislike about each? Think of the values they embody.

6) What makes you excited?

7) What makes you feel alive?

8) What activities call to you? Pay attention to what hobbies or skills grab you and pull you in.

Pay particular attention to whether the values you’ve identified above are reflected in your daily life. If not, what values are you expressing or living by as you go through your day? Are there patterns?

It’s natural for some values to be reprioritized and shift over time, especially as you face new and challenging situations or fulfill various goals. However, other values represent core, enduring ideals that you would only change if forced to.

A final note to consider: Your values are even more important than your goals because you might not reach your goals, but you can almost always choose to live by your values. “True success is living by your values.”1

[1] Harris, R. (2011). The confidence gap: A guide to overcoming fear and self-doubt. Shambhala Publications.