8. I keep hearing about ‘boundaries’ — What are they and why should I care?

Personal boundaries are important for establishing our identity — telling the world and ourselves how we want to be treated — and is a crucial aspect of self-care.

They are guidelines or limits that we set to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave towards us and how we will respond when someone pushes those limits. Someone doesn’t need to agree with your boundary in order to respect it.

Boundaries are also guidelines for how we treat ourselves. For example, we might have boundaries around how much or little we sleep (I know I need about 8–9hours of sleep per night to function, even though my friends need less, so that’s what I’ll try to commit to). Boundaries can change over time to reflect your unique needs and beliefs. They will also vary depending on the context and person we’re interacting with — for example, I’d have a different boundary around physical touch for my romantic partner vs my boss.

Here are some brief steps in how to set a boundary:

1. Define and communicate your needs;

2. Keep it simple (don’t over explain): a clear ‘no’ and a statement of your limit or need allows the other person to choose how they respond. We are not attempting to control the other person;

3. Be prepared to state a consequence you will follow through with: how you will respond if the boundary is crossed. This will be uncomfortable for most people and will bring up guilt/shame/fear.

Here are some examples of boundaries:

• Thanks for the invite, but this weekend I need time alone;

• I will need you to ask before borrowing my things;

• I appreciate the opportunity but I can’t take on extra work right now;

• I can hear that you’re angry but you need to stop yelling at me (if you continue yelling I am taking space);

• I am not okay with you making fun of my insecurities;

• I’ll come over to visit but I can only stay for 1 hour (leave after 1 hour or do not go);

• I’m not ready to talk about that yet and I need more time;

• No thanks, one beer is my limit;

• I’m not comfortable talking about people behind their backs;

• I’m struggling with my own mental health right now and I don’t feel like I can be your primary support system.

Complete the following:
I struggle setting boundaries with these people_____

I struggle setting boundaries with them because_____

I feel like the boundaries that are crossed most are_____

An example of what I can say to communicate my boundary is_____

Is there a boundary that you could set now? Try and give it a go!